I don't want to be a hero
by goodlilvamp
Summary: Buffy reflects on what it takes to be a slayer


I don't want to be a hero.  
  
I'm walking down this street, and I just want to give up. Let the world end, let hell take over and humans burn. I've given everything I am, everything I could ever be just to see it keep turning, and it still doesn't matter. I mean, yeah sure 99.9% of the world doesn't know who I am, but the people who've been fighting by my side and who know what I've done, what I've sacrificed have turned on me. When I've led them to the battlefield time and time again , and been victorous. I just want to rest. I just want to crawl up and sleep and let the end come. I just want the weight of the world off my shoulders, even if it means it'll crash and burn.  
  
But I can't.  
  
I know that, I know I can't turn my back on the world and its problems. Why? I don't know why. I guess because I love it. Crazy, I know. This world, that doesn't even know who I am, doesn't give a damn that I've died twice, that I've had to watch people I care about die or succumb into evil. This crazy, screwed-up zany world. But I love it. I guess that's the difference between a good slayer and a bad slayer. This job would be so much easier if I just killed without a purpose, If I didn't feel and just went through the motions. True, I would have died sooner, but I wouldn't feel this...pain. This constant pain. I just can't be free of it! Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just rest? I die, and I die for this world and everyone in it, and I'm finally rewarded, and you know what? It still can't get enough of my pain.  
  
I'm not really angry. My friends did it, I know. But I know they just didn't understand. They never have, and I think its better that way. Because if they did they would have I ended my misery long before I died. They'll never understand what its like, to be so apart from this world. I guess he was right, I do have a inferiority complex about being superior. I hate feeling that I'm better then everyone, but I am. I have to be. I can't be like Willow, hating the world for taking my lover away. I can't be like Xander, falling in love constantly or being run by my emotions. I can't be like Giles, running away when I think its right. I have to be here, constant and strong. Even when they try to get rid of me, I'm here.  
  
God but I don't want to be. I just want to run into the mouth of hell with a sign on my neck that says eat me. I just want to stop. I don't like being a hero! I don't like having to be constantly doing the right thing. I don't want to make these decisions, these decisions that will make us win but also , make us lose those we love. We win, but they blame me for our casualties. They don't understand, I did what I had to do. They yell at me and bitch at me when the ones they loved at hurt, but what about me?  
  
When I killed Angel, no one knows how I felt. Right then, I was done. I thought, if this is what being a hero means, I don't want it. The world can take care of itself, because all it wants from me is to chase away the monsters, even if it's the one person I love more then anything. When I stabbed him, I was stabbing myself. All I wanted to do was hold him, and let the acathala swallow us both, because I didn't want to face this world without him. I was so close to getting on my knees with him, and holding him and letting us both be sucked into hell. But I didn't, because the world still needed me. I left because I needed to understand if I could be a hero. I needed to know if I had what it took to be the champion this place needs. And I do.  
  
I'm not conceited, I just want you to know this. I'm not. I just understand now that in order to be the slayer, I have to be a hero. And I am. I didn't yell at xander for not telling me that Angels soul was in place, yet he lets me have it when I come back. Because I have to understand, and he never can.  
  
I just want to run away. Me and Angel some place. He's the only one that never really betrayed me. He's the only one who understood my pain. And I can't be with him. Because I need to be a hero.  
  
So tonight I'll pretend that I'm giving up. I'll pretend that when I sleep I never have to wake up and face another day. And when I open my eyes in the morning, I'll realize that I'm still the slayer, and I couldn't abandon this world and it's fate even if I wanted too. I'll go to where Faith intends to have her little troops go, and I'll save the day again.  
  
Because I'm a hero. 


End file.
